Wow! What a week. Between being under the weather and work I didn’t have any time to tell you what I was up this week. But what I was up to was huge.
This past weekend I was given an amazing gift from lululemon athletica of attending a self-development/leadership forum and for the past couple days I had some earth-shattering discoveries about myself.
For as long as I can remember I have always had to be the best at whatever it is I do. Ms Perfect herself. I would not allow myself to be anything less than the best and if I wasn’t the best than I’d be the one everyone liked the most (to me this was still being the best). Failure was not an option and I equated perfection to success and anything other than to be failing. Somewhere along the way I associated success and perfection to thinness and weight. Thus the long years of battling the ED.
Even though I have learned to break these unhealthy thoughts and habits (i.e. the ED) a part of me still believed them to be true, and I hate to admit I still practiced them. I had to be perfect, I had to be the best, or else I felt as though I was failing in some way. The worst part of it is I acted as if I don’t, putting up this “I’ve got it all together” front so everyone viewed me as having it all together and being perfect. As if it matters to be the best, to have it all together (whatever that means), and to never fail. As if it meant something to be perfect. And even though my idea of perfect has changed I still had to be it regardless (my heart aches as I write this knowing the absurdity of this, but my brain always found the logic from so many years of training).
But this all changed from this weekend’s events. I learned some amazing concepts and ideas towards life, but I wasn’t able to fully accept them into my own personal life until today.
Today while doing a very challenging yoga class I found myself comparing myself to the others getting very frustrated for not being able to do something other seemed to do with ease. When I get frustrated during yoga I’m able to check in with myself and ask myself what’s going on. Today the flood-gates opened.
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if I’m the best, if I’m the thinnest, the prettiest, the smartest, the most liked. It does not matter. Five minutes from now, 2 years from now, 10 years from now it does not matter. So what if I’m the best at whatever, then I’m the best but I haven’t done anything. All I am is the best and alone because I haven’t allowed anyone else to be the best. I haven’t elevated anyone to greatness if I am constantly trying to always be the best.
As I looked around at everyone envious of something someone else possessed I realized they were probably thinking the same thoughts about someone else or even me. We always want what we don’t have and as I may be afraid of someone else for what they have or do, they are afraid of me for what I have or do. I may want to be thin and creative like someone while they want to be intelligent and strong like me.
There is no such thing as perfect.
But there is such a thing as greatness and that is using my strength to lift someone else and elevate them to greatness. Sharing my knowledge with them so that they too can achieve rather than being stingy with what I know. Success is raising people up, helping them, and watching them succeed. My success is through assisting others to reach their goals.
And failure is holding back, not going for it and settling for mediocrity. Failure is never pushing the limits or challenging yourself beyond your comfort. Failure is accepting a place that is safe because of fear. Failure is boring.
If I do mess up, it doesn’t matter. I should be celebrated because I will have learned something and allowed others to learn as well. It just means I’ve found something that doesn’t work and will have a better idea for next time. If I do face-plant I just get up and keep going.
Wow. I have had an amazing week.
Be gentle, be kind, be loving to you. Tell me about you.