Hi! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend or at least were able to find somewhere to keep the sweating to a minimal. So hot!
Everyday brings new challenges. I try to think of them as opportunities to magnify my soul searching. But none the less, they are challenges. Whether big or small, they continue to cause a little unease.
My latest opportunity I’ve been working on is the idea of “making up” for something I may have done the day (or even days) before. My mentality towards food has always been, “I’ll just have to make up for it tomorrow,” and then I would do one or more of a number of things: do an extra workout for the day, “eat” only liquids, skip meal/s, eat only certain “safe” foods, or often times not eat anything at all. Then I would feel as though I “made up” for the things I had done and was on the “right” track again.
The rules didn’t always apply to every situation and often times they changed according to my anxiety level. Sometimes say a dessert would be fine, while other times it is only that depending on earlier events (i.e. what I had eaten/not eaten that day or how hard my workout was). In many instances it didn’t matter how the day had gone, eating something that caused my anxiety to increase, even a big salad, would spark the notion that I needed to make up for what I had done. The next day would be spent calculating in my head what I needed or needed not do. These days seemed endless and blurred because all I could focus on was how I was going to make up for my previous encounter. I just wanted whatever I’d done to be erased from me.
Lately, I haven’t been really associating this feeling as part of the ED but rather a way to feel a little more freedom with food, like robbing Peter to pay Paul. However, as of recently, I’m finding myself reasoning more with this emotion rather than letting it be a natural feeling of give and take. And when I try not to barter with this sensation, I feel similar responses that I did pre-healing (similar, but most definitely not as intense).
So rather than trying to dispute the charges, I’m trying to establish where the feelings are coming from and what the feelings are in order for me to resolve them. What do I feel I need to make up for? Why do I feel I need to make up for doing this? Is this a feeling that I have created or the ED? What do I believe will happen if I do and do not make up for what I did?
Once I have answered these questions as honestly as I can, I’ve been trying to react reasonably and under my own accord. I have found it much easier to let go of the anxiety and let what will be be. It has been hard not to let history replay itself. After all, it was safe, simple, and kept my tension down. But the things that matter most often are the those that require the most work. I’m welcoming each
challenge opportunity, unease and all, because I know where they are leading me. It is this thought that subsequently puts my mind at ease.
How do you talk yourself down from a high anxiety situation?
Also, as I said here and also here, I’ve been working on a few projects for the ol’ blog kind of in hopes to spark more conversation and involvement from you readers. I hope to think of this space to be not only an opportunity for me to grow and heal, but also for any (and all) of you. Please feel free to comment at any time about anything.
Tell me about you.