I had the most cleansing run today. It didn’t start out that way. No, as a matter of fact it started out for all the wrong reasons.
The 4th of July kept me from feeling everything but my best. It was a wonderful and fun extended weekend with family, friends, and food, but I’m still working on figuring out the whole social eating thing vegan, sans ED. In attempts to fit in (which is so not like me) and not wanting to feel awkward, I ate and tried to show everyone (and the ED), “see being a vegan isn’t hard or difficult, look at me, look at me eat! Fuck you ED.” And boy did I. At one point all I could do was lay down because I felt so full. Physically disgusted with myself, I decided to
purge through exercise run off some of the excess calories.
About 1/4th of the way into my 60 minute run I kept asking myself, “What am I doing? What am I running from?”
You’re running because you ate too much and you need to burn off those calories or you’ll get fat. You’re running away from weight gain. But I rarely eat that way, as a matter of fact, I really never eat that way. You’ve been eating so much since the honeymoon, remember all that food. I’m sure if you look down your stomach and your thighs do. Well, I did eat differently on the cruise, but I worked out and walked a ton. You really think that matters?
Why does this matter so much to me? What does it matter? The word matter kept ringing in my heart with each pounding foot-step.
Somewhere growing up I associated mattering to my outward appearance. And somewhere else along that same line I associated a good outward appearance with weight, or the lack thereof. At one point when I lost weight in my teens and received a lot of positive feedback, I felt I mattered. We all know where that landed me and I’m sure some of you may relate.
Asking myself what mattered meant to me I could only reply with, “I just need to feel I matter. I need to feel important. I need to feel a part of something.” I sat with this statement, meditating on this discovery of matter. Why do I feel I don’t matter. I’m a living entity, doesn’t that matter enough? What do I believe matter to be? I couldn’t answer the question, but I could hear the ED trying to do it for me. It was trying to tell me when I’m thin I matter, when people notice me for how I look I matter. Strongly believing else-wise, I argued back, “I matter because I’m smart, talented, loving, strong, motivated, wise, beautiful, irreplaceable, dedicated, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a great friend.”
I applauded myself for being so honest and I was proud that I could disassociate the two in my heart recognizing this false perception. But there’s no denying the ED still has a voice. I truly no longer believe weight is any reflection of self-worth. I know the difference between my voice and its, and best of all I believe my argument against it. In my soul searching journey I continue to learn and grow. Each day, each situation presents me with an opportunity to heal. I am healing and it matters.
You matter. Tell me about you.