Hi everyone! I hope you are all having a beautiful day.
I have to admit something, my day has not been so beautiful. Yes, the weather was beautiful and everything external was beautiful. But internally, I was struggling today.
I have been doing great with my Summer Goals, doing yoga, eating wholesome homemade meals, and really trying to enjoy my time outside and with the Train. Yoga has been rockin’ my world and I truly believe that in and of itself it is a sufficient cardiovascular and strength-training workout. However, programmed in my mind from years of ED brainwashing, a “workout” to me still means hitting up some mechanical entity and physically (and mentally) abusing my body in the sake of calorie expenditure. Wanting to take a more holistic and gentle approach to physical activity, I allowed myself to retire from the gym scene and fully adapt a Yogi’s lifestyle.
This went over great for about a week and a half. Practicing yoga made me feel as though I was floating. Each class offered to me something new, challenging, and exciting. And feeling such a high carried over into what I was eating: super awesome, healthy, and exciting vegan meals (that were not just vegetables atop a bed of greens).
I’m never really sure what triggers these episodes to occur, but something happens and fear sets in, hard. It’s always around the same time, about 2 weeks of challenging myself to do something new. The ED tries to resist anything that vindicates its existence. Doubt sets in and I stop fully believing in myself. I stop believing that my bodies is smart and strong. I stop believing in my metabolism, my health, and my size. I stop believing that what I am doing is enough to be healthy. All I can hear – and sometimes see – is what the ED wants me to believe. Slowly but surely, a little at a time, I begin to regress and go back to old habits – food obsessing, purging through exercise, negative self talk. I am pleased (and proud) to say, this type of regression has not happened since starting SSVegan, but that’s not to say that the ED does not rear its ugly face and try to challenge my progress, pushing me off track slightly.
Today was one of such days. All day it just felt as though I was either doing to much (i.e. eating) or not doing enough (i.e. working out). I had this internal dialog going back and forth between myself and a weakened ED.
“Yoga is not enough exercise to keep you thin.” “You’re going to gain weight if you keep doing what you’re doing.” “You can’t eat like that if you don’t workout.” “If you don’t workout you have to eat less.”
These are the types of things that played on all day in my head. I am now strong enough to talk back to each demeaning statement, but it is hard not to fall trap to the thoughts. And with ever rebuttal I conjured, I felt myself starting to believe in what the ED was saying.
Is yoga enough to keep me healthy? Am I eating too much? Is it just me or do these pants fit a little snug today?
Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and broke down into tears and sought comfort in the Train. I’ve gotten much better at communicating my hardships with him, and even though it’s difficult for him and he doesn’t really know what to say, anything he does helps. And after talking to him, even if I myself sometimes don’t know what to say, I felt much better. It is almost as if talking allows me to separate my thoughts from the ED and I am able to find strength again.
Feeling as though I needed to do something to challenge myself for falling prey to the ED’s vial comments, I lovingly walked down to my favorite vegan coffee shop and treated myself to the beautiful weather, a chia latte and cookie, and a nice long relaxing meditation – ahhh that’s better.
Each day is a new day and I know days like today are going to continue to arise but I feel confident now more than ever that I have what it takes to come out successful.
Tell me about you.
(love to my husband for being so wonderful, gracious, compassionate, and courageous)