It sounds like Wednesday’s post came just in time for everyone. It is amazing how alone I feel sometimes about things, when in reality, so many of you are suffering from similar obstacles. Our souls and energy are all interconnected.
The wedding is coming, fast. One month away. Yikes, just reading it and then saying it out loud makes me a little anxious – in a good way (although it feels like there is still so much to do!). I recently took a yoga class that challenged me more than any yoga class has before. Shaking, sweating, struggling – these just describe the warm up! It was the most amazing yoga experience I have ever had (the Train said I experienced a Yo-gasm and he could not have been any more right! Gotta love him 😉 )
During the class, flowing through each pose she instructed us with each inhale and exhale to let go of our doubt, our guards, our insecurities and to trust our bodies and to trust her. Not an easy thing to do when you are upside-down, legs spread, and engaging your core for full support. She explained, too often doubt rules our every movement or decision, but it is when we begin to doubt our doubts that we can truly connect with ourselves and with others. When we to doubt our doubts, we we talk back to them and challenge them, gaining strength, power and love. We were to release our doubts and let them go, so that we could embrace the pose and the benefits of yoga.
She said we are all connected through meta, a universal love and goodwill for other. We were to picture ourselves truly happy, free from hostility and distress. If we are not able to love ourself, we are not able to love another. We are liberated of mind through universal love. She also explained our energies are all connected. Our souls may be the individual, but it is through our energy that we are bonded to others. She then spoke of a loved one or significant other, how we are drawn to their invisible energy that permeates from them and vice versa. But we cannot begin to receive their energy when doubt puts up walls and boundaries.
After almost six years with the Train, I still find myself at times not being able to let him in. Past experiences have left me scarred from injuries causing me to doubt that what him and I have is real. Even though he has never once given me a reason to doubt him or our relationship, the doubt within myself does not let me fully open up to him.
We must take a path of compassion to be able to love ourselves and thus love others. If we want to be happy we must inhale compassion, exhale hostility, inhale love, exhale affliction.
I came out of the class mixed with emotions. As far as I have come in my soul searching, I know I still have a way to go in trusting my body, loving my body, loving myself and letting go of doubt. But after the class I felt I had open a door that hadn’t been open in a long time. I felt naked and vulnerable. Stripped down to bare truths – I am a person, I do deserve love, not only from myself but from others as well, everyone makes mistakes, but that does not take away from learning, growing, and love.
Before I showered, I stood in front of the mirror naked, listening to myself. Where there had been thoughts of doubt – Am I too big? Do I weigh too much? I must look terrible – were now gentle thoughts of love – I have a womanly body, I love my breasts, I am beautiful.
After that yoga class, I have seen myself and the Train in a whole different light. Discovering a stronger love for myself has strengthened and deepened my love for him. This could not have come at a better time, like I said this wedding is coming, fast, but not fast enough.